I been to two goat ropin’s and a county fair and I ain’t never heard nothin’ like it ! Yessir … it’s a wonder any one of us will make it to heaven at all after seein’ the likes of what we’ve witnessed ! To-nite, DJ and MM wend their country hearts through a Billy Joe Shaver Fa-Vo-rite. “I been to Georgia on a Fast Train.”
The Dynamite Dreadnoughts talk about shopping online, the perils of wearing false teeth and all the things a person could possibly dream up when living in a small town. Stick with us as we contemplate the needs, wants, desires and ample attitudes of two everyday Super Heroes going about their wondrous everyday lives. It’s a thrill every ten seconds of every minute times one tonite for DJ and MM: Featuring Phyllis Diller, Buckminster Fuller, Groucho Marx and Topo Gigio . TONITE… we be DJAMMIN’ !! -DJMM
Tonight’s gig is a rambling tour through the seventies rock scene with a tip to the Duane Allman. Even tho MadMan has his slide in the shop, we still manage a short wail along the trail of the Midnight Rider. We give a sweet nod to the upcoming beautiful spring we’re having in Oklahoma… and wonder how some folks still manage to keep their drivers licenses.
Stay with us and don’t do anything we wouldn’t, but you’ll have to listen to find out what that is !
GRANNY: “Well, it’s bloomin’ right big, but it’s not smellin’ right.”
When cars were bigger than most bedrooms and burned more gas than a chain of Mexican restaurants could generate. When men wore Hawaiian shirts in public without shame, and Dad Jokes were considered poor taste. When patriots saluted the flag and knew the 50 states by heart; everyone knew Don Ho. During the whorling madness that developed into 1970s America, Don Ho was a living legend. A native Hawaiian himself, he was a staple on the Honolulu night club circuit and his signature song, Tiny Bubbles, was on the novelty play list of every variety show host, comedian and entertainer in the world. It was estimated that Don sang his personal anthem more than 100,000 times in his long and storied career, and the champagne it immortalized went on to set its own solid place in party history. Tonight, Doc and MadMan whoop their brand of Okie Tusk on Don Ho’s favorite ditty, and discuss the nature of world politics, episode count and the upcoming Okie Tusk Festival to be held May 11 at the Haskell County Courthouse lawn. Be there or be uncool, mere mortals. For DJAMM will ride and rail that night on site with The Destination, all right ! DJAMM it to heck !
Tonight, MadMan and the Doc rock to a tune known to those who romped through the wild and rowdy 70’s. Jackson Browne did more than run on empty or sing about his roadies, and this tune is a favorite, penned when he was only 17 ! Can you imagine? MadMan says the only thing he could write when he was seventeen was a note from his mother getting him out of school ! We do the normal jaw about our everyday wishes, and wonder about what might have been in another dimension, or in another dementia. Come visit with us during this tribute to the Fog Hat generation; when bell bottoms and puka shells reigned and deodorant was just coming into its own. We be DJAMMin’ it tonight !
By bus, by train, by passenger plane… ya gotta leave sometime.
I won’t repeat myself… at the risk of being crude there must be… fifty other things we mentioned in the span of half an hour. Are you addicted to BIG BLOCKS? ! Better still, do you even know what a BIG BLOCK IS!!?? LOL. Drop off the bus, Gus and discuss much with US. DJAMMIN’ it to Paul Simon tonight !
Trouble on the The Big Road: The Kind You Find and the Kind that Finds You
by Miles Moore, CDL
By the time we’re old enough to toilet ourselves, most of us already know the basic differences between right and wrong. However, just in case you were raised by (insert some lunatic here), and are intent upon creating your own misery, here are the basics:
If you think it’s wrong, it probably is, so don’t do it.
If it’s going to make someone else cry, it’s probably bad, so don’t do it.
If there’s a chance that it’s going to make you feel unusually good now, but
unusually bad later, it’s probably actually REALLY bad for you or somebody
else, so don’t do it.
If it puts anyone’s general well-being in danger, then it’s probably bad, so
don’t do it. This applies to you, or anyone who looks another oxygen breathing
If it costs a lot of money right now and isn’t something that you can talk about
in church, at Thanksgiving dinner, or in front of someone you respect, it’s
probably not something that will benefit you down the road, therefore it’s
probably bad, so don’t do it.
If it SEEMS bad, then there’s a good chance that it’s either against the law,
SHOULD be against the law, or will make another reasonable person feel bad,
then it’s probably bad, so don’t do it.
7. Don’t do anything to anyone you wouldn’t want them pulling on you. (*Google “The Golden Rule”. It used to be a common thing, but began to fade into obscurity about the same time morons began running everything. And actually, if you skipped to number 7, then you’ll be fine.)
You may be able to see a pattern developing here. These are rules for everyday life, and being out on The Big Road underscores their validity. Unless you’re a team driver, you’re always going to be out here on your own. You make mistakes, and you have to answer for them. Even if you’re a team driver, any mistakes that you make against the law will have to be your own. It’s your CDL on the line, and therefore your way of providing for the ones you love will be in jeopardy.
If you’ve never been out on the road but still are over age 30, then you’ve probably realized that the world can be a pretty mean place, even if you’re minding your own business. Sure enough, there are a lot of good folks out there on The Big Road, but surer still, there will be times that trouble seeks you out. Yup, ‘caca happens’, and the caca which will FIND YOU, will be unavoidable and unimaginable.
As a trucker you’ll deal with a variety of people who will spin an unending and unpredictable series of events the variety of which cannot be imagined. Mechanical difficulties alone could fill an encyclopedia. Even with a new truck, things will break, blow out, wear out, fall out, split, chip, crack and mangle under the torturing demands of The Big Road. And that’s on a good day, when you haven’t hit anyone and no one has hit you. Murphy’s Law applies here. In spades.
Add to this every kind of weather, personal health problem, family issue, law enforcement bully and roving lunatic you will encounter, and … well, you can see where this is going as well.
Stories abound about the Outlaw Truckers of the 60s and 70s, when drugs and alcohol were an accepted part of the industry. Many old time drivers were often EXPECTED to take amphetamines of every stripe in order to drive as long as possible without a break. Their livelihoods “depended” upon it, they’d insist. Trucking companies truly did expect them to drive as long as they possibly could. Log books were a wink and a joke, if they even kept them at all. Some claimed it was just easier to throw the whole paper chase out the window and gamble on getting caught. It’s more cost effective, they’d argue, to pay the fine and keep driving.
This is not the memoir of a person who lived that lifestyle, therefore my narrative of such times ends here. Not having ever been a part of that culture, I am unable to address these claims. Any stories I could pass on would merely be secondhand or hearsay, so I will not pass them along. All I may offer is the general observation that most widely related tales often contain at least a grain of truth, and too many people who DID live that life lived long enough afterward to make those claims. The tales are fun hear sometimes; sometimes not even that. This book is not the venue for such wild claims, folk stories or tall tales. Truck stops are good places for that. Nursing homes are not, because most truck drivers don’t live long enough to get old. Sad but true. One thing you’ll never see online is a URL for an old trucker’s home. They ain’t no old truckers, folksies. Just as sure as there ain’t no cash if the wheels don’t roll.
At least you’ll have your… pay?
If you’re a basically healthy person, have no fear because driving a truck will take care of that soon enough. An independent study recently showed that driving a truck shortens one’s life expectancy an average of 15 years over the long haul, as it were. So If you were planning on living to be 80, then cut it back to 65. If you’re shooting for the Biblical ‘three score and ten’ then plan on 55. Etc.
I personally believe that this is very optimistic. I say that trucker timelines would more properly be measured in Dog Years. It’s just too rough on you, folks. You’ll never get another real night’s sleep on the road. Your body will never adjust. There’s just no way to dial-in to the erratic sleep, traffic, break downs, poor food quality, CRAZY hours, rapid and frequent weather changes and STRESS in general. You’ll age faster than an alleged Muslim President. If you want to live to be 100 – or perhaps 60 – then don’t do it. Sure, you may live a long time, but the quality of life is probably going to be severely lacking.
if you must pound the pavement now, and chances are you’re going to, then take
the following bits of friendly advice to help you save your health.
Don’t go out if you’re sick. That is to say if you have a weak heart,
severe diabetes, kidney problems or any other serious health issue, then find
another way to make a living. You’re going to be very uncomfortable on any
given GOOD day, and compounding that with health issues will make you
miserable; okay MORE miserable. Don’t do it.
2. SuperTruckers get sick too. Don’t be a Tough Guy. If you fall seriously ill out on the road, best thing to do is find a safe truck stop with plenty of adequate parking. If you’re well enough to do so, then call either a taxi to take you to the doctor, or an ambulance depending on the severity of your condition. If you’re NOT well enough, tell somebody at the truck stop that you’re sick and you need help. Other truckers will help you (see, The Brotherhood), and so will the good folks that run the truck stops. They’ve seen it all. Trust me, anyone who has witnessed the whale-like carcass of a dead trucker being scooped out of his sleeper after a week in the August sun… well, they will want to make sure they don’t see any more of them.
Again, get a ride somehow. Don’t do it yourself. Sure, you can drop your trailer and ‘bobtail’ (drive without a trailer) into the given health facility, but it’s not advisable for a number of reasons. One being that an unhooked trailer is an easily recognizable target for thieves. They stand out like a sore thumb. Another is that most truck stops won’t allow your trailers to remain there unhooked at all, and almost certainly not without a dropped trailer fee. Everybody needs their cut and you’re taking up valuable real estate in their parking lot, so you gotta pay. Don’t chance it. By and large, the management at truck stops really are good people, but also good business people, and you’re taking up valuable sleeping space for the next guy who’s just spent 14 hours out there. Truck stop management knows this, so they’re not afraid to have your trailer towed by a wrecker service to a convenient impound lot (that they might also own) just down the street. Don’t leave your trailer unhooked, unlocked and preferably not unattended. If you have to go because you’re unwell, leave your tractor hooked to the trailer, call a cab or ambulance and take care of business. Truck drivers make a good living, so don’t skimp on yourself. Pay the fee, go see the doctor. The good folks at the truck stop will help you find what you need.
Good medicine is Good Medicine. Plenty of people out
on The Big Road have to take medicine.
Remember that you have to have your
prescription bottles with you in the truck at all times. They have to be the
original prescription bottles issued by the pharmacy. A snitty cop can make
your life miserable if you have different kinds of drugs in one bottle, or even
bottles with your wife’s name on them. In any case, really about the best thing
you can do is hide your medicine in the truck, even though you could probably
drive for an entire career and never hit a snag. In the unlikely event that
you’re going to be searched, it’s going to take a real asshole to want to throw
you under the wheels for having your blood pressure medicine in the same bottle
as your FloMax. However, make no mistake, there are plenty of assholes out
there. Hide the meds. It’s just easier.
DO NOT take unprescribed meds with you.
If you need them that bad you can get your own script. If you’re just partying
with them, then sober up or stay home and party with your worthless friends.
The Big Road is no place for you and you’re giving the rest of us a bad name.
DO NOT take pain meds with you. If
you’re in that kind of pain, you should retire, find another way to make a
living, or at least stay home ‘til you get straightened out. Pain meds make you
dull, sleepy, cranky and inept. Don’t even drive to the pharmacy if you’re on
them because you can lose your CDL if you’re found to be impaired.
DO NOT take over the counter medicines
that will make you drowsy like cold meds, allergy meds, etc. Don’t even keep
them in the truck with you. If
SuperTrooper finds them on the dash or wherever, she can ground you
immediately, and so can your company. They take this stuff seriously.
DO NOT bring illegal drugs on The Big
Road. If by this point in your reading
you’re even CONSIDERING bringing illegal drugs out on your truck, you’re a
freakin’ idiot and you should be shot right now. So put down the book, go home,
stick your head in the oven and do us all a favor. *HINT* It really needs to be
a gas oven. Either natural gas or propane gas will work nicely. An electric
oven will just bake your head, and that will take too long. Illegal drugs are
stupid. Don’t do them under any circumstances.
Be sure to check with your company about
their policies for prescription medications as well as OTC drugs. Every
reputable company is basically the same, but there can be subtle differences.
If you’re considering buying your own truck without driving for someone else
first, see above hint about gas ovens.
Miles Moore is the pen name for an internationally recognized novelist, screenwriter and erstwhile lifestyle raconteur. He currently is semi-retired and concentrating on his developing an artificial heart for the third world market. Hear him and friend Matt “MadMan” Mayo on their weekly podcast at www.drjeffreyandthemadman.com.
Ahh… memories. When was the last time a song made you weep? Or dance ? Or Dance while weeping? What about the first time you saw a set of REAL Brass knuckles? Mmmmm… yeah. Us too… sniffle. We’re about to get emotional here… Seriously folks, MadMan and the mad Doc himself tilt toward a timeless favorite from Slash and Axle, then on to our favorite pair of brass knuckles and how to melt your own scrap metal. Then it’s the ever-puzzling rhetorical, “what’s your favorite anniversary year gift,” and just who is this guy Ellen anyways?? Sit back, plug in your earphones and enjoy what will soon become a worldwide favorite rendition of “Sweet Child of Mine”. You’ll B-DJAMMIN’ along with the big dawgs !- DJAMM-OOuuutt !!